A wound that will never heal

It’s been 7 years since my mother passed away. I was a freshman in college when my mom had a stroke and an aneurysm and died. She was in the hospital for three days. Every day but the third day, I got phone calls from everybody telling me how my mom was doing. The third day I heard nothing at all from my family until I called home and got the worst information ever. Me: “Hey grandma, how’s my mommy doing” My grandma: “Tamika, Your mother expired”. (Who the hell says expired o_O) I remember that shit like it was yesterday. My roommate and my friend from across the hall were in the dollar tree when I swear I almost passed out. I felt like I was in the twilight zone or something. I was in complete shock! My mommy died…what? Like, did God make a mistake and take the wrong mommy? It felt like a piece of me had died. Even though we weren’t close for various reasons she was still my mother…like you only get one. NOBODY can or will ever replace her.
I always have my super sad and depressed moment and I think it’s because the last conversation we had was really an argument and it was over money. I didn’t tell her I loved her or even say goodbye I just hung up in her face because she wasn’t going to send me any money till the next month (which was like the next week now that I think about it). I feel like I need closure which I will never get, so I just have to live with this pain for the rest of my life. I hate when I hear other people doing things or going places with their mothers. I just wish I could have had that bond with my mommy (kanye shrugs). I wish she could have been here to see me graduate from college, get married and have kids (whenever the hell that will be), but most of all I wish I can hug, kiss, tell her I love her and apologize. I know she will always be smiling down on me, and I know she super proud of me! I’ll never stop loving you mommy forever and a billion days!